Department Placing

HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES IN A PROPER DEPARTMENT

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

• If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
  
  
• If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
  
  
• If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
  
  
• If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
  
  
• If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
  
  
• If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
  
  
• If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
  
  
• If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
  
  
• If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
  
  
• If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
  
  
• If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
  
  
• If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

The Ten Commandments

... For the Lazy Person

1. We are born tired so we live to rest.
   
2. Love thy bed like you love thyself.
   
3. If you see someone resting, help.
   
4. Rest by day so you may sleep well by night.
   
5. Work is sacred... don’t touch it.
   
6. If you can do something tomorrow, don’t do it today.
   
7. Work the least possible and let someone else do what you have to do.
   
8. Relax, no one has ever died from resting.
   
9. Whenever you feel the need to work, sit down and wait for it to pass.
   
10. If work means health, then let the ill people do it.
    

Landscapers

Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of a street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Classifieds

FREE PUPPIES - Half German Shepherd, half stupid dog.

FOR SALE full set of Encyclopedia Britannica, asking $500. No longer need it. Got married a month ago. Wife knows everything.

DOG for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

MUST SELL washer and dryer. Moving to nudist colony.

TWIN sized bed for sale. Comes with monster underneath.

NORDIC TRACK $300. Hardly used, like new. Call Chubbie.

FOR SALE cows, calves - never bred. Also 1 gay bull.

PARACHUTE FOR SALE. Never opened. Used once.