Facts of Life

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  
  
  
• Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  
  
  
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  
  
  
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  
  
  
• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
  
  
  
• Life is sexually transmitted.
  
  
  
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  
  
  
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
  
  
  
• Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  
  
  
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  
  
  
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  
  
  
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  
  
  
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  
  
  
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  
  
  
• Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  
  
  
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?